The Real Fight

When I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Severe Anxiety 4 years ago, I did not know what it truly meant.  I just knew I hurt in ways I couldn't explain to others.  Yes that is exactly what I am saying.  I am not talking about a physical pain.  But, mentally hurting.  I didn't quiet understand, and then the doctors just hands you the medication.  Doesn't explain it or anything, but says "you have depression", okay what does that exactly mean and what is this medication going to do about it.   He tells me to try it out for a while and then get back to him.  The medication was the worst thing ever.  I thought my head was going to pop off and roll around on the floor.  It made me feel worse than I was already feeling.  I just cried more than I did before.  It took 3 tries of medication before I found one that made me feel "normal".  "Normal", what does normal mean.  Does it mean I won't feel like hurting myself or have no feelings at all. What does Normal mean? 

 And why did the doctor say I needed to be normal?  So I took the medication and it took me a while to feel anything.  I didn't feel happy, I didn't feel sad.  I didn't feel. I wanted control of my life, and that is exactly what I was going to do.  I stopped eating and I started to self harm.  I had control over those things, but it didn't last long before people found out and I had to get help in another way I didn't want to.  It wasn't until I had decided that I couldn't face the feeling of feeling broken anymore.  I had to change.  Now all I want is to help others who may feel defeated by depression.  It's not as easy as it sounds, because depression is considered a clesha... People want to pretend it doesn't exist.  But, oh boy does it ever.  I wanted to pretend it didn't exist either.  But, I have to face that fact that it does.  

I feel sometimes because depression is not an easy thing to deal with we don't like to, or we push those away that we love. It's hard for me sometimes because I know that the people I care about the most are the people I push away the fastest.
Lately I have visited with other people that have said to me that they suffer with depression also, but it's hard for the them to talk about. I use to be so embarrassed but, I am not. It's a sickness I have, a mental sickness. But's it's not who I am. Just as a person with any other sickness is not who they are. Sometimes it's easy to tell someone you have been depressed and you know how they feel, well some of the time a depressed someone who suffers from depression might not know what is triggering the feeling. The best way to help someone is to just be there for them and remind them they are not alone. Help them remember how important they are you, and only say "I love you" if you really mean it. That word has a lot of different meanings and can be misused and hard for others to use. Don't ever tell that "well you're depressed what else is new." Let them know it's okay, because depression is so real. Help them see the light at the end of the tunnel, but never tell them to just get over it. Out of all things I hate that, you will be fine, just get over it. If it was that easy, I wouldn't be DEPRESSED. Don't tell them you know how you are feeling, but remind them that you are there for them.

A lot of time we don't see signs to become depressed, it just happens. But, we need to know people care. Tell me to get out and do service, does not fly well with me. Just be there for them. Be a shoulder to cry on. Be a friend. Let the person cry, or help them find something that will bring them back up. I love doing puzzles, and coloring, if peoplework on puzzle with me, I am more likely to open up them than you waiting for me to come to you. 
Why is it that Depression is not something you talk about? Why do we make others feel so ashamed for having a depression? Depression is not something people choose, it is a sickness just like people with Diabetes, etc. Why are we not trying to make a difference for the those around us, you don't have to understand to make a difference. All you have to do, is be there for people. Lift them up when they feel down or alone. Remind them that they can keep fighting. But, for some reason we shut the door. I am not saying any of this for sympathy, but because it is something I should not feel embarrassed to talk about. I suffer from depression, it a daily battle to get myself out of bed. It is hard to be around people and it's hard knowing people are judging me. It is something I have to fight through everyday. It is completely uncomfortable for me to do be around people, But I have to. It is not something that is going to change over night, in fact I will probably have to fight it for the rest of my life. I hate meeting new people, because people hurt you and they don't want to work at more than they have to. So, I feel the same way with meeting new people. But, the only one who can change things is my savior. I do not like being told to just smile and things will get better. Or that I need to forget myself and serve, it's usually not being down on myself that brings on the depression. It's usually being worried about others. Or feeling like I haven't made a difference. If you want to let people know they are loved tell them, acknowledge the good they do, acknowledge the difference they do make. If there is anything I could tell you, do not be afraid to ask someone if they are okay, and when you ask if they need something really mean it, you may have to put yourself out there more. But, oh how I promise it will make a difference.  

 Throughout my life I have struggled with my self esteem. But, I always knew their was so much more I have wanted and could truly be. But, for the first time in my life I know exactly who I am. Everything is not perfect, I am not perfect. But I am who am, I am a Child of a loving Heavenly Father. I do not know how my life is going to turn out. But I have hope for what the future brings. I have faith God will make everything turn out in the best way possible. But I am learning to forget the things I have done or others have done, and only remember what God has done for me. He loves me. He loves everyone. And because he loves me. I know who I am. I know what is right and I know everything will work out in the end. Have Faith. Be Happy with who you are. And live each day like you only have one chance to be a friend to the one who is searching so hard to find out where they belong.