Believing in Yourself

I was asked the other day if I understood the difference between Heavenly Father and God.  I was struck with shock with this question because they are the same person.  She then went on to explain to me that in our minds when we hear Heavenly Father we think of a very kind and loving person and when we think of God we think of the judgement.  I don't know about you... but that struck me.  Did I believe them to be different like we understand it or did I believe them to be the same person.  I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness and I thought I had truly forgiven those who hurt me in the past and as I did a test on it, I was weaker in that part of my life than I thought.

 WHY??? I didn't feel hate for them and I didn't feel like it was holding me back anymore.  But, I was drawn to something that I have known for a while and it is that it is required for all men to forgive 70x7.  I always took that as that we needed to forgive others no matter how many times they do the same thing.  But, Duh?!!!  It was made clear to me that we may have to forgive the same person for the same thing more the once.  I have felt a new love, a love for others, a love for my Father in Heaven, a love for Jesus Christ and a love for myself.  I have felt this complete in a long time, I also learned that my mind has made my body want to appear unattractive because I have been so afraid of marriage and affection.  Now that I know this and no my worth, my sores will start to make the progressive that I needed to.  At times I have beat myself up because I haven't been able to remember the details of the traumatic event from when I was a child.  I sometimes felt because others told me that I made it up, that I must have.  The self doubt would set in, but the feels and the uneasiness would never go away.  But,  as I was forgiving those who hurt me and forgiving myself I felt a evil feeling leave me.  I felt this feeling of peace I had been longing to have in my life for a while, I felt a calming feeling that the things which have happened to me, are not going to bother me.  And as many times as those feelings of hate or those thoughts come back, I have the power to get rid of these things myself.  When it happened I could seriously feel this emptiness leaving my body completely.  Like the peace just took over and all those hate feelings and unknown feelings were gone.   It makes a lot of sense to me, like I have this new drive to do things I have always wanted in my life.  I feel total acceptance of myself.

One experience I have never really shared with others about my incident from when I was younger is that my Grandpa who has been gone for 5 years, was with me.

 He sat with me and comforted me when I felt like I could not talk to my family.  She asked me to close my eyes and imagine someone sitting with me and he popped right into my head.  It felt like he was with me again and reminding me of the person I was destined to be.  It also felt like a reassurance that he was there with me.  He was allowed to be with me because I needed that.  It's so amazing that when you literally put things behind you what the Lord will allow into your life.  The Lord, loves us but he knows what I have needed and will need.  I am learning that I have been excepting of the allowing myself to be loved because I have been around so many who have hurt me and betrayed there marriage.  I will hopefully be able to make it past the parts of my life that have not allowed me to be loved.

I was a little hesitant of sharing the things that have happened during this week.  But, I truly feel so blessed that I was able to come by this method.  I can't believe that the things my mind had come to believe that I listened to.  For the first thing, I have learned that the sore on my arms were my minds way of protecting me from others so I looked unattractive to them.  It's amazing since I have found this out how much the sores have cleared up from my arm.  Letting it out and finding the feelings

how allowed them to heal themselves.
Another thing, is I usually battle a headache everyday, and I haven't had a headache since she made the pain go away.  I have been drinking only water and I have lost 2 pounds already.  I am learning to see the beauty and have more of a drive to get up and face the day.  It's crazy to me that on Sunday I was feeling so uneasy that I couldn't even get out of bed.  I had to drag myself and that was only because I had to teach.  Other wise I am certain I would have stayed in bed.  I have been able to sleep, wake up with my alarm and wake up on time.  It's been so crazy.
I went back the second day and I opened up a little more about things, that were holding me back from progressing in my life.  As we talked about my situation from my childhood.  I have found that what happened really did happen and all the doubting feelings have gone away.  I realized that I told

others it was my neighbor because they wanted answers and my mind knew it needed to be more believable.  But, after I got rid of those thoughts, I was reminded of the things that I first told others that had happened to me.  I didn't need that extra stuff.  I have been able to move past it.  I also learned that some of my past behaviors were an addiction, but an addiction because I needed to hide other feelings.  My body feels so light, so light that one time I almost past about because my body had released things it needed too.
Today, I went back from my last bit of the testing, I believed I was past all the emotional things and the things that were holding me back.  But, today I was writing some things down and the lady testing me saw that my hand writing changed in the middle of the sentence.  I said what, no way.  She said it did and it makes me nervous because of your BPD.  So she had me lay back down and we were going to get rid of the unclean spirit influencing my life.  It was so crazy, my whole body became antsy. I couldn't hold still and was shaking uncontrollably.  We tried and it

wouldn't work.  We both talked and decided to use the priesthood, so I called my brother and he ran over and gave me a priesthood blessing.  He commanded the spirits to leave and reminded me of the love others feel for me, and that Heavenly Father loves me and he needs me.   I couldn't believe that instant peace I felt and how my love grew even more for my brother.  I was able to call down and be myself.  I have never realized how unpredictable life can be.  But, I have felt a new feeling, and a new hope of purpose of my life.

Be a Survior!

I have been contemplating for a while now if I really wanted to write this post. I have felt so lonely lately, I felt I needed friends and I wasn't really sure where to turn to. I felt like I was falling into a deep hole. I was going through the emotions of everyday life and what others said I needed to be.  I was

attending my counselor, my job had a big turn around, and I felt like The Kara that I wanted to be again. So... what could be wrong, life sounds pretty great right? The problem the fooling can only pull wool over your eyes for so long. I had great things happening; I made myself believe I was better because of my meds, because I had things headed in the right direction.

But, I wasn't tricking myself.   What was happening, I will tell you, I was going through my normal after depression life modes, as I like to call it.  

Not that my depression was gone, because it will always be a part of me. But the part where I knew others were watching me and I had something to prove. Hmmm.... Why do we have to prove anything to anyone but other selves, and of course our Heavenly Father and his Son.  I feel I have held things in for so long that I could explode, like my head could just pop. I can't hide behind this anymore. I have to move on, not for

others, but for myself.  If you aren't ready for me to get real, you can stop reading now, I do this for me; I have to write it so it becomes a visual reminder in my life.

In 2010, I had a decision to make with my life. I graduated with my associates and what were my plans now. After talking with others, I decided I didn't want to further my education; I was just going to look for a job. So I had to decide where at this point. I am a home body and I knew I wanted to be somewhere I could run home at a moment’s notice. So Utah County was where I was heading. As I sent out my resume to any preschool/ daycare I could

find online. I felt a deepening pain in my stomach; I ruled it out as nerves. But, I wonder why I didn't recognize the voice of the Holy Ghost. I mean Kara, you were taught these things your whole life. But, it was happening and my parents were by my side what more could go wrong. A week later I left for a trip to Nauvoo, the stress did not ease even through the wonderful experiences I was having. I am a real believer in the idea that if you don't hear exactly what you need to from the spirit he will provide another way. But, that other way was not easy for me. So I am gift shopping in Nauvoo trying to find meaningful things to take back home. I walk into a gift shop, and I see a plaque that reads: "This is Where I Belong" it hit me. Okay maybe I shouldn't move.

Maybe I should try one more year in Price. I felt a special peace take over. It was the answer I was looking for, and you betcha I bought that sign to hang in my room.

Well I returned to Price and had a call for an interview in Provo so my Mom and I drove to Provo. I went into the interview at a day care and my first thought was jitters and complete fright. Well I guess the interview went well I got an email for a job later that week. Well, I guess I was moving to Provo, so a couple weeks go by, and it's my first day. Well it was horrible and I left crying and feeling like a failure. So I head to my new apartment, by myself with just enough to get through the weekend. I move in with 5 other girls who were all friends from the year before. It's okay, I was tired and made my bed and went to sleep. 11:00 p.m. I hear a knock on my bedroom door. My roommate is moving in. So I mutter awake to be polite and spend two hours watching her unpack and talking to her family.  I am finally feeling relieved to get some sleep, tomorrow has to be better right?  Nope, not even a little. I am woken up at 2:30 a.m. but a lot of noise and walk in my living room to find all my roommates and maybe 20 more people I had no clue who they were. Okay, I am now feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. Well, long story cut short. I moved apartments and I was set. I felt a lot better other than the dirty socks sprung across my apartment.... Yuck! Well I head to work, and after only being there for a half hour, they inform me they don't need me for 2 months. I died, so I got in my car and I was going home, no matter what.

Then I drive past a daycare and decide to stop. Well they hire me right on the spot. So life goes on, and I feel good. Made a lot of friends, and I had a job.  So I realize I am troubled I feel so lonely and can't get away. Soon I make a friend and work that changed my life. At the time she felt like just what I needed in my life. But, I was so wrong. Life became crazier and I felt like I lost control. So, despite everything I was ever taught, I turned to self-harm. I have control over that and didn't feel like I did with anything else. So my friend noticed and I finally got into a doctor and I was so embarrassed and emotional I could barely talk to the doctor. He decided to put me on a medication to help with depression and nothing else was said. I was confused and not sure what was happening to me.

After changing medication a couple of times, I was feeling better. Then, the most tragic, frightening, and confusing night of my life happened.  

 Like at work earlier that day, I was unloading car seats from the van, and fell and hit my head. I was not going to tell others what happened so I just went on with my day. Later, I head out for a walk with two of my coworkers.   And the rest is just things I was told. But, I started to get confused about where I was, and even my age. I suddenly sat down close to the playground and started to cry. My coworkers encouraged me to get back to the house and I followed behind them.  Soon a man passes me and he has a hood over his head with his head down, and I feel trapped. So I start recreating things from my 10 year old self. My family was informed and an ambulance was there. Plus cops and I was trying to run and hurt myself. So they had to restrain me to get me to the hospital. I don't believe I have ever been so grateful for my eldest brother and his wife that were there with me.  After sometime they got me back to myself and I finally come out with the biggest secret of my life. The fact that I had been violated by an adult and was suffering from PTSD. Okay, I get to a counselor and life goes on, until things get to the point of an experience I have shared previously.

So Why I am sharing this?

Because, I want to feel loved and accepted. I have pushed so many away because of things that have happened to me. But, I want to be someone else. I want to feel completely excepted by my family and I want to feel loved by myself. Okay, selfishly I am ready to be Kara. I am ready to forgive myself and be the person Christ intended me to be.  I am ready to feel happy, even with depression I know it is possible, I know I can reach this part of my life. I have burned bridges that now I need to rebuild.

I know every day is a new fight. Sometimes it is the fight of feeling good enough, or the fight with my PTSD, or maybe worrying that I have ruined a friend ship again, or maybe just not being able to rise every day.

I have to be a survivor and not let their battle defeat that I am. I love my family and the close friends I have, and they mean everything to me, and I need them more now than I ever have before. Life is so tough, but if Christ didn't think we could fight this he never would have sent us here. I will win this and anyone struggling too, you will make it and I hope we make it together. Life was not meant to be full of sorrow, because Christ has already taken it. We need to embrace how much he loves us, and that we were never made to go through this alone. So, fight for you, fight for the one person who might need you more than you know, fight because someone already fought the toughest fight for you!!!!!

I am going to be a Survivor and I am going to be who Christ intended me to be!

What does it mean to be true to ourselves

Lately, I have been fighting a real enemy.  Myself!  Yes, myself exactly what I meant, every time I am certain things are going well.  My anxiety takes over and I am quickly hear a voice tell me that there isn't any reason to fight anymore.  Mainly because I am not sure I am strong enough to do it again. 

Every time I think of myself as a person, I am reminded of every mistake I have ever made in myself.  I can't help but realize I don't deserve even half the stuff I have in my life.  I have found myself pushing others away again.  I feel like I don't deserve them and I am scared to hurt someone or be hurt by someone else.  I wonder, when will I ever be able to except myself, the person that I am.  Then I think well exactly who is Kara.  Because, I see a girl who is overweight, selfish, anti-

social, confused person.  I know it is said that what we go through grows us.  But, I can't for the life of me figure out why I have had to go through the things that I have in my life.  Like why am I the person I am.  I secretly die inside when I hear others say, I am fat.  I think well I must be the size of a whale then.  What do they think of me.  Then I hear others talk about how they don't understand what is going on and I think,  I would love to give up my trial and fight yours.  

I remember the first time I realized I had depression.  I was in 7th grade, and my friends were having problems. So they suggested group counseling.  So I signed up to go with them.  While in the group, the counselor asked us to all name something that we didn't like about ourselves.  I remember listening to everyone else list theirs and I thought, nope I feel great about all those things.  So I thought and when it came to me, I said my toes and that I hated them.  Soon everyone was laughing and my counselor told me that at my age others things must be bothering me.  I sat in silence and didn't say a word.  For the rest of the week everything seemed to be pointed out to me, of what I was wrong with me.  How could I go from feeling so great and be so down.  I didn't understand it.  But, they were things I now noticed about myself daily.  

It's not often I can look in the mirror and not feel embarrassed.  I hate how much I weigh, I hate all the scars on my arms and legs from sores I've gotten from allergic reactions.  I want so bad to not feel all these things when I look at myself.  When things happen, I can't help but think well no wonder I don't have friends that want to hang out with me.  I just want to feel excepted as the person that I am.  But, mostly by myself!  I make jokes to hide behind myself, and my insecurities.  I like to give people things, so I have them to worry about and not myself.  What I want is to help others, but how do I truly help others if my life is changing every second.  

As I have thought about these things, I can't help but think of everything I do have.  Like being able to escape from an experience that I don't remember from going to point A to B.  But, I do know it wasn't me.  I do know that terrible things happened to me as a child and that those thoughts still haunt me.  

But, the Lord led me through the situation.  Sometimes I question if it all really happened or if  I imagined it.  But, I know I did not imagine it because the memories are still so real.  But, it's easier to talk myself through it with the Lords hands.  Plus all the wonderful people he has led into my life as I have had to fight these things.  He loved me enough to bring these people into my life just when I need them.  Knowing that I was so close to hitting rock bottom and knowing I got close to that point again these week, scares me.  But, I know the Lord will help me.  I might have to do it alone, but at least with him I am never really alone.  

Forgiveness, I am so quick to forgive everyone but myself.  

I feel responsible for a lot of things that I truly had no control over and I can't wait to be able to get past it.  I am slowly learning to love myself again.  I am still struggling with letting others into my life and letting them love me.  I love the Lord and all he has done for me and for showing me little things that help me through the moments I need it.  The Lord loves me and I truly love him.  

Discovering Myself

              The last couple of months have been a real growing experience for me.  I have seen changes in myself that I never knew I needed to make or never thought I would be able to make.  I have faced some real challenges in life, some that I was pretty positive I would never get over.   But, I am learning to forgive myself and to understand why I feel certain ways.  I have seen physical as well as emotional changes.  But, most importantly spiritual changes.  I never thought I would get back to this point in my life.

                 At the beginning of February I felt like I was being attacked from every angle.  Work was stressful; I felt like I have no life and I was starting to have very extreme nightmares. After Christmas I started to feel inadequate in every aspect of the gospel and in life in general. Pretty soon I couldn't fight the feelings anymore. I hit a road block in my life. I thought it was just the after holiday blues and that it would be gone after some time. Quickly I started to realize I couldn't fight it alone.

                 At the beginning of February I felt like I was being attacked from every angle.  Work was stressful; I felt like I have no life and I was starting to have very extreme nightmares. After Christmas I started to feel inadequate in every aspect of the gospel and in life in general. Pretty soon I couldn't fight the feelings anymore. I hit a road block in my life. I thought it was just the after holiday blues and that it would be gone after some time. Quickly I started to realize I couldn't fight it alone.

I asked for blessings and prayed for help. I knew it would help, I had always been taught that it would. A couple of months passed and I knew I needed more help than I was admitting to. I wasn't sure how to explain my feelings so I didn't. Many asked me if I was okay, of course I replied that I was just tired. Then something that haunted me happened, I walked into Smith's one day and this guy started walking towards me, and started to hug me.  I freaked out; I had to go out in sit in my car while I got my anxiety under control.  It was after that, I knew I was face planting in life.  One Sunday I went to church and I felt inspired to visit with Sister Behunin in my ward, I had been her visiting teacher and we hardly talked other than I Hi in the hallway.  She helped me get through the next week. Then that Friday I really hit rock bottom. I felt I had failed at life and there was nothing that was going to change it.  I didn't want to do anything; In fact I was going to end it before Tuesday came along.

 I didn't want to fight my feelings anymore.  I went to church that following Sunday and this same friend (Tiffany) could tell something was wrong and helped me through a rough day. I soon realized if I needed help I had to change. A friend at work told me to go to the doctor and talk to him about my meds, if you know me that was a tough one.  

But, my amazing friend Tiffany went with me, and we changed my meds and set up counseling.  It was in these moments that I knew I had found a true friend, the greatest friend I had always imagined I would have.  The next week she went with me to counseling and sat by me while I talked about things I have always wanted to pretend didn't happen or weren't real.  I was having terrible PTSD problems and was stressing to the max.  

             After a couple weeks the night mares gone and I was feeling like I could fight through the hard times again. I don't know what I would have done without my friend pushing me and holding my hand when I didn't feel like I could be loved.  She spent many hours talking with me and never judged me.  

              I hit another rough week in my life, and I thought for sure I was done for, I was asked to speak on Easter Sunday and I was so excited.  Then I woke up sick Saturday morning and when I got up to speak on Sunday I had no voice.  It eventually came back, but I sounded terrible and didn't feel the spirit with me.  I honestly thought I was being punished, and I was fed up with everyone around me.  But, of course it was just one of those things I had no control over.  It was how it 

was, embarrassing and all.  

I wanted answers soon, and I wanted to know why I could not forget things that happened to me and just let it be the past.  And I have learned you have no control over how your mind and spirit will handle things. 

 My mind chooses to let me forget and remember years later.  But, I will work on it, I will one day not freak when someone touches me or I see someone that reminds me of things that have happened.  I will never forget it, but I don't want it to be my life.

              I have thought about things with depression that hard to understand, and it scares others.  I have lost friends because they can't handle me, but also gained friends that my Father in Heaven knew I needed.  Depression is a illness, but it's not who I am.I am Kara Palmer, and I am a child of God and he loves me more than anyone could ever imagine.

·                     Some days are better than others and you have to except it and not try to solve it.

·                     You may not understand why you wake up feeling sad and empty.

·                     The medication alone does not fix things, but helps you to regulate.

·                     YOU cannot go through this life alone.  

·                     Don't let people define you by your depression.  

·                     Be there for others who are struggling, because someone else probably doesn't understand.

·                     Love yourself and forgive yourself for the past.

·                     Embrace who you are and the changes come easier.

·                     Don't hide inside yourself, it only hurts you not others.

·                     Forgive others and understand they might not know what you are going through.

·                     Explain to others why you feel what you do.

·                     Learn to listen and not have to solve the problems of others.

·                     Follow the spirit.

·                     Let your Father in Heave guide your life.

·                     Understand that you will still have good days and bad days.

·                     Take time for yourself, do things that make you happy.

·                     Love your family and forgive them.

·                     Learn to laugh and make others laugh with you.

·                     You may not see the drops and rises in your day and that's okay. 

·                     I push others away, but having others push back makes me realize how loved I really am, and that I need them in my life.

·                     Sometimes you want to be alone, but you just need a hug and you fight it in your mind all day long.

·                     When someone hugs you, you feel like butter melting in the arms, because it's a moment of understanding, and understanding you don't usually get.  (And most times I hate hugs)

·                     Find good friends that even when you are the friendliest never give up on you.

·                     Use prayer, scriptures and the temple.

            I have learned its okay to get help and that the Lord would not put those means for me if I didn't need it. As I am strengthening my love for the gospel and am starting to truly understand the Atonement. I have learned that I can't get through this life alone I need others to pull me through at times. I know the Lord has never expected me to go through this alone. He understands my heartache and loves me more than anyone could ever love me

. Depression and anxiety are a part of me, but they are helping me to become the person God always intended me to be. Any time I have been looking for help Christ opens doors I didn't know were there and didn't realize they were open. I am beyond grateful for the blessings and love I have received and know that God is on my side. I have learned so much and know I have a lot more to learn. Never do I want to forget my Saviors love for me and the love I have felt from a friend that I prayed years to find. 

I am grateful for my parents who have never let me fall to far without extending a hand of guidance. I have been blessed with a wonderful life, and family. I know I can make it through my hard times and become more.  All who read this, you have touched my life the most and I will always love you and think the world of you.  Thank you for not giving up on me and reminding me who I really am.  Thanks for the hugs that make me believe I am loved.

Here is my favorite Quote: "If storing memories is like putting away groceries, a traumatic event is stored by shoving a bunch of stuff in a cabinet then any time it gets opened all the stuff falls on your head."