I have been contemplating for a while now if I
really wanted to write this post. I have felt so lonely lately, I felt I needed
friends and I wasn't really sure where to turn to. I felt like I was falling
into a deep hole. I was going through the emotions of everyday life and what
others said I needed to be. I was
attending my counselor, my job had a big turn around, and I felt like The Kara
that I wanted to be again. So... what could be wrong, life sounds pretty great
right? The problem the fooling can only pull wool over your eyes for so long. I
had great things happening; I made myself believe I was better because of my
meds, because I had things headed in the right direction.
But, I wasn't tricking myself. What was happening, I will tell you, I was
going through my normal after depression life modes, as I like to call it.
Not
that my depression was gone, because it will always be a part of me. But the
part where I knew others were watching me and I had something to prove.
Hmmm.... Why do we have to prove anything to anyone but other selves, and of
course our Heavenly Father and his Son.
I feel I have held things in for so long that I could explode, like my
head could just pop. I can't hide behind this anymore. I have to move on, not
for
others, but for myself. If you
aren't ready for me to get real, you can stop reading now, I do this for me; I
have to write it so it becomes a visual reminder in my life.
In 2010, I had a decision to make with my life.
I graduated with my associates and what were my plans now. After talking with
others, I decided I didn't want to further my education; I was just going to
look for a job. So I had to decide where at this point. I am a home body and I
knew I wanted to be somewhere I could run home at a moment’s notice. So Utah
County was where I was heading. As I sent out my resume to any preschool/
daycare I could
find online. I felt a deepening pain in my stomach; I ruled it
out as nerves. But, I wonder why I didn't recognize the voice of the Holy
Ghost. I mean Kara, you were taught these things your whole life. But, it was
happening and my parents were by my side what more could go wrong. A week later
I left for a trip to Nauvoo, the stress did not ease even through the wonderful
experiences I was having. I am a real believer in the idea that if you don't
hear exactly what you need to from the spirit he will provide another way. But,
that other way was not easy for me. So I am gift shopping in Nauvoo trying to
find meaningful things to take back home. I walk into a gift shop, and I see a
plaque that reads: "This is Where I Belong" it hit me. Okay maybe I
shouldn't move.
Maybe I should try one more year in Price. I felt a special
peace take over. It was the answer I was looking for, and you betcha I bought that
sign to hang in my room.
Well I returned to Price and had a call for an
interview in Provo so my Mom and I drove to Provo. I went into the interview at
a day care and my first thought was jitters and complete fright. Well I guess
the interview went well I got an email for a job later that week. Well, I guess
I was moving to Provo, so a couple weeks go by, and it's my first day. Well it
was horrible and I left crying and feeling like a failure. So I head to my new
apartment, by myself with just enough to get through the weekend. I move in
with 5 other girls who were all friends from the year before. It's okay, I was
tired and made my bed and went to sleep. 11:00 p.m. I hear a knock on my
bedroom door. My roommate is moving in. So I mutter awake to be polite and spend
two hours watching her unpack and talking to her family. I am finally feeling relieved to get some
sleep, tomorrow has to be better right? Nope,
not even a little. I am woken up at 2:30 a.m. but a lot of noise and walk in my
living room to find all my roommates and maybe 20 more people I had no clue who
they were. Okay, I am now feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. Well, long story
cut short. I moved apartments and I was set. I felt a lot better other than the
dirty socks sprung across my apartment.... Yuck! Well I head to work, and after
only being there for a half hour, they inform me they don't need me for 2
months. I died, so I got in my car and I was going home, no matter what.
Then I
drive past a daycare and decide to stop. Well they hire me right on the spot.
So life goes on, and I feel good. Made a lot of friends, and I had a job. So I realize I am troubled I feel so lonely
and can't get away. Soon I make a friend and work that changed my life. At the
time she felt like just what I needed in my life. But, I was so wrong. Life
became crazier and I felt like I lost control. So, despite everything I was
ever taught, I turned to self-harm. I have control over that and didn't feel
like I did with anything else. So my friend noticed and I finally got into a
doctor and I was so embarrassed and emotional I could barely talk to the
doctor. He decided to put me on a medication to help with depression and
nothing else was said. I was confused and not sure what was happening to me.
After changing medication a couple of times, I
was feeling better. Then, the most tragic, frightening, and confusing night of
my life happened.
Like at work earlier
that day, I was unloading car seats from the van, and fell and hit my head. I
was not going to tell others what happened so I just went on with my day.
Later, I head out for a walk with two of my coworkers. And
the rest is just things I was told. But, I started to get confused about where
I was, and even my age. I suddenly sat down close to the playground and started
to cry. My coworkers encouraged me to get back to the house and I followed
behind them. Soon a man passes me and he
has a hood over his head with his head down, and I feel trapped. So I start
recreating things from my 10 year old self. My family was informed and an
ambulance was there. Plus cops and I was trying to run and hurt myself. So they
had to restrain me to get me to the hospital. I don't believe I have ever been
so grateful for my eldest brother and his wife that were there with me. After sometime they got me back to myself and
I finally come out with the biggest secret of my life. The fact that I had been
violated by an adult and was suffering from PTSD. Okay, I get to a counselor
and life goes on, until things get to the point of an experience I have shared previously.
So Why I am sharing this?
Because, I want to
feel loved and accepted. I have pushed so many away because of things that have
happened to me. But, I want to be someone else. I want to feel completely
excepted by my family and I want to feel loved by myself. Okay, selfishly I am
ready to be Kara. I am ready to forgive myself and be the person Christ
intended me to be. I am ready to feel
happy, even with depression I know it is possible, I know I can reach this part
of my life. I have burned bridges that now I need to rebuild.
I know every day
is a new fight. Sometimes it is the fight of feeling good enough, or the fight
with my PTSD, or maybe worrying that I have ruined a friend ship again, or
maybe just not being able to rise every day.
I have to be a survivor and not
let their battle defeat that I am. I love my family and the close friends I
have, and they mean everything to me, and I need them more now than I ever have
before. Life is so tough, but if Christ didn't think we could fight this he
never would have sent us here. I will win this and anyone struggling too, you
will make it and I hope we make it together. Life was not meant to be full of
sorrow, because Christ has already taken it. We need to embrace how much he
loves us, and that we were never made to go through this alone. So, fight for
you, fight for the one person who might need you more than you know, fight
because someone already fought the toughest fight for you!!!!!
I am going to be a
Survivor and I am going to be who Christ intended me to be!
