What does it mean to be true to ourselves

Lately, I have been fighting a real enemy.  Myself!  Yes, myself exactly what I meant, every time I am certain things are going well.  My anxiety takes over and I am quickly hear a voice tell me that there isn't any reason to fight anymore.  Mainly because I am not sure I am strong enough to do it again. 

Every time I think of myself as a person, I am reminded of every mistake I have ever made in myself.  I can't help but realize I don't deserve even half the stuff I have in my life.  I have found myself pushing others away again.  I feel like I don't deserve them and I am scared to hurt someone or be hurt by someone else.  I wonder, when will I ever be able to except myself, the person that I am.  Then I think well exactly who is Kara.  Because, I see a girl who is overweight, selfish, anti-

social, confused person.  I know it is said that what we go through grows us.  But, I can't for the life of me figure out why I have had to go through the things that I have in my life.  Like why am I the person I am.  I secretly die inside when I hear others say, I am fat.  I think well I must be the size of a whale then.  What do they think of me.  Then I hear others talk about how they don't understand what is going on and I think,  I would love to give up my trial and fight yours.  

I remember the first time I realized I had depression.  I was in 7th grade, and my friends were having problems. So they suggested group counseling.  So I signed up to go with them.  While in the group, the counselor asked us to all name something that we didn't like about ourselves.  I remember listening to everyone else list theirs and I thought, nope I feel great about all those things.  So I thought and when it came to me, I said my toes and that I hated them.  Soon everyone was laughing and my counselor told me that at my age others things must be bothering me.  I sat in silence and didn't say a word.  For the rest of the week everything seemed to be pointed out to me, of what I was wrong with me.  How could I go from feeling so great and be so down.  I didn't understand it.  But, they were things I now noticed about myself daily.  

It's not often I can look in the mirror and not feel embarrassed.  I hate how much I weigh, I hate all the scars on my arms and legs from sores I've gotten from allergic reactions.  I want so bad to not feel all these things when I look at myself.  When things happen, I can't help but think well no wonder I don't have friends that want to hang out with me.  I just want to feel excepted as the person that I am.  But, mostly by myself!  I make jokes to hide behind myself, and my insecurities.  I like to give people things, so I have them to worry about and not myself.  What I want is to help others, but how do I truly help others if my life is changing every second.  

As I have thought about these things, I can't help but think of everything I do have.  Like being able to escape from an experience that I don't remember from going to point A to B.  But, I do know it wasn't me.  I do know that terrible things happened to me as a child and that those thoughts still haunt me.  

But, the Lord led me through the situation.  Sometimes I question if it all really happened or if  I imagined it.  But, I know I did not imagine it because the memories are still so real.  But, it's easier to talk myself through it with the Lords hands.  Plus all the wonderful people he has led into my life as I have had to fight these things.  He loved me enough to bring these people into my life just when I need them.  Knowing that I was so close to hitting rock bottom and knowing I got close to that point again these week, scares me.  But, I know the Lord will help me.  I might have to do it alone, but at least with him I am never really alone.  

Forgiveness, I am so quick to forgive everyone but myself.  

I feel responsible for a lot of things that I truly had no control over and I can't wait to be able to get past it.  I am slowly learning to love myself again.  I am still struggling with letting others into my life and letting them love me.  I love the Lord and all he has done for me and for showing me little things that help me through the moments I need it.  The Lord loves me and I truly love him.  

Discovering Myself

              The last couple of months have been a real growing experience for me.  I have seen changes in myself that I never knew I needed to make or never thought I would be able to make.  I have faced some real challenges in life, some that I was pretty positive I would never get over.   But, I am learning to forgive myself and to understand why I feel certain ways.  I have seen physical as well as emotional changes.  But, most importantly spiritual changes.  I never thought I would get back to this point in my life.

                 At the beginning of February I felt like I was being attacked from every angle.  Work was stressful; I felt like I have no life and I was starting to have very extreme nightmares. After Christmas I started to feel inadequate in every aspect of the gospel and in life in general. Pretty soon I couldn't fight the feelings anymore. I hit a road block in my life. I thought it was just the after holiday blues and that it would be gone after some time. Quickly I started to realize I couldn't fight it alone.

                 At the beginning of February I felt like I was being attacked from every angle.  Work was stressful; I felt like I have no life and I was starting to have very extreme nightmares. After Christmas I started to feel inadequate in every aspect of the gospel and in life in general. Pretty soon I couldn't fight the feelings anymore. I hit a road block in my life. I thought it was just the after holiday blues and that it would be gone after some time. Quickly I started to realize I couldn't fight it alone.

I asked for blessings and prayed for help. I knew it would help, I had always been taught that it would. A couple of months passed and I knew I needed more help than I was admitting to. I wasn't sure how to explain my feelings so I didn't. Many asked me if I was okay, of course I replied that I was just tired. Then something that haunted me happened, I walked into Smith's one day and this guy started walking towards me, and started to hug me.  I freaked out; I had to go out in sit in my car while I got my anxiety under control.  It was after that, I knew I was face planting in life.  One Sunday I went to church and I felt inspired to visit with Sister Behunin in my ward, I had been her visiting teacher and we hardly talked other than I Hi in the hallway.  She helped me get through the next week. Then that Friday I really hit rock bottom. I felt I had failed at life and there was nothing that was going to change it.  I didn't want to do anything; In fact I was going to end it before Tuesday came along.

 I didn't want to fight my feelings anymore.  I went to church that following Sunday and this same friend (Tiffany) could tell something was wrong and helped me through a rough day. I soon realized if I needed help I had to change. A friend at work told me to go to the doctor and talk to him about my meds, if you know me that was a tough one.  

But, my amazing friend Tiffany went with me, and we changed my meds and set up counseling.  It was in these moments that I knew I had found a true friend, the greatest friend I had always imagined I would have.  The next week she went with me to counseling and sat by me while I talked about things I have always wanted to pretend didn't happen or weren't real.  I was having terrible PTSD problems and was stressing to the max.  

             After a couple weeks the night mares gone and I was feeling like I could fight through the hard times again. I don't know what I would have done without my friend pushing me and holding my hand when I didn't feel like I could be loved.  She spent many hours talking with me and never judged me.  

              I hit another rough week in my life, and I thought for sure I was done for, I was asked to speak on Easter Sunday and I was so excited.  Then I woke up sick Saturday morning and when I got up to speak on Sunday I had no voice.  It eventually came back, but I sounded terrible and didn't feel the spirit with me.  I honestly thought I was being punished, and I was fed up with everyone around me.  But, of course it was just one of those things I had no control over.  It was how it 

was, embarrassing and all.  

I wanted answers soon, and I wanted to know why I could not forget things that happened to me and just let it be the past.  And I have learned you have no control over how your mind and spirit will handle things. 

 My mind chooses to let me forget and remember years later.  But, I will work on it, I will one day not freak when someone touches me or I see someone that reminds me of things that have happened.  I will never forget it, but I don't want it to be my life.

              I have thought about things with depression that hard to understand, and it scares others.  I have lost friends because they can't handle me, but also gained friends that my Father in Heaven knew I needed.  Depression is a illness, but it's not who I am.I am Kara Palmer, and I am a child of God and he loves me more than anyone could ever imagine.

·                     Some days are better than others and you have to except it and not try to solve it.

·                     You may not understand why you wake up feeling sad and empty.

·                     The medication alone does not fix things, but helps you to regulate.

·                     YOU cannot go through this life alone.  

·                     Don't let people define you by your depression.  

·                     Be there for others who are struggling, because someone else probably doesn't understand.

·                     Love yourself and forgive yourself for the past.

·                     Embrace who you are and the changes come easier.

·                     Don't hide inside yourself, it only hurts you not others.

·                     Forgive others and understand they might not know what you are going through.

·                     Explain to others why you feel what you do.

·                     Learn to listen and not have to solve the problems of others.

·                     Follow the spirit.

·                     Let your Father in Heave guide your life.

·                     Understand that you will still have good days and bad days.

·                     Take time for yourself, do things that make you happy.

·                     Love your family and forgive them.

·                     Learn to laugh and make others laugh with you.

·                     You may not see the drops and rises in your day and that's okay. 

·                     I push others away, but having others push back makes me realize how loved I really am, and that I need them in my life.

·                     Sometimes you want to be alone, but you just need a hug and you fight it in your mind all day long.

·                     When someone hugs you, you feel like butter melting in the arms, because it's a moment of understanding, and understanding you don't usually get.  (And most times I hate hugs)

·                     Find good friends that even when you are the friendliest never give up on you.

·                     Use prayer, scriptures and the temple.

            I have learned its okay to get help and that the Lord would not put those means for me if I didn't need it. As I am strengthening my love for the gospel and am starting to truly understand the Atonement. I have learned that I can't get through this life alone I need others to pull me through at times. I know the Lord has never expected me to go through this alone. He understands my heartache and loves me more than anyone could ever love me

. Depression and anxiety are a part of me, but they are helping me to become the person God always intended me to be. Any time I have been looking for help Christ opens doors I didn't know were there and didn't realize they were open. I am beyond grateful for the blessings and love I have received and know that God is on my side. I have learned so much and know I have a lot more to learn. Never do I want to forget my Saviors love for me and the love I have felt from a friend that I prayed years to find. 

I am grateful for my parents who have never let me fall to far without extending a hand of guidance. I have been blessed with a wonderful life, and family. I know I can make it through my hard times and become more.  All who read this, you have touched my life the most and I will always love you and think the world of you.  Thank you for not giving up on me and reminding me who I really am.  Thanks for the hugs that make me believe I am loved.

Here is my favorite Quote: "If storing memories is like putting away groceries, a traumatic event is stored by shoving a bunch of stuff in a cabinet then any time it gets opened all the stuff falls on your head."