I was asked the other day if I understood the difference between Heavenly Father and God. I was struck with shock with this question because they are the same person. She then went on to explain to me that in our minds when we hear Heavenly Father we think of a very kind and loving person and when we think of God we think of the judgement. I don't know about you... but that struck me. Did I believe them to be different like we understand it or did I believe them to be the same person. I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness and I thought I had truly forgiven those who hurt me in the past and as I did a test on it, I was weaker in that part of my life than I thought.
WHY??? I didn't feel hate for them and I didn't feel like it was holding me back anymore. But, I was drawn to something that I have known for a while and it is that it is required for all men to forgive 70x7. I always took that as that we needed to forgive others no matter how many times they do the same thing. But, Duh?!!! It was made clear to me that we may have to forgive the same person for the same thing more the once. I have felt a new love, a love for others, a love for my Father in Heaven, a love for Jesus Christ and a love for myself. I have felt this complete in a long time, I also learned that my mind has made my body want to appear unattractive because I have been so afraid of marriage and affection. Now that I know this and no my worth, my sores will start to make the progressive that I needed to. At times I have beat myself up because I haven't been able to remember the details of the traumatic event from when I was a child. I sometimes felt because others told me that I made it up, that I must have. The self doubt would set in, but the feels and the uneasiness would never go away. But, as I was forgiving those who hurt me and forgiving myself I felt a evil feeling leave me. I felt this feeling of peace I had been longing to have in my life for a while, I felt a calming feeling that the things which have happened to me, are not going to bother me. And as many times as those feelings of hate or those thoughts come back, I have the power to get rid of these things myself. When it happened I could seriously feel this emptiness leaving my body completely. Like the peace just took over and all those hate feelings and unknown feelings were gone. It makes a lot of sense to me, like I have this new drive to do things I have always wanted in my life. I feel total acceptance of myself.
One experience I have never really shared with others about my incident from when I was younger is that my Grandpa who has been gone for 5 years, was with me.
He sat with me and comforted me when I felt like I could not talk to my family. She asked me to close my eyes and imagine someone sitting with me and he popped right into my head. It felt like he was with me again and reminding me of the person I was destined to be. It also felt like a reassurance that he was there with me. He was allowed to be with me because I needed that. It's so amazing that when you literally put things behind you what the Lord will allow into your life. The Lord, loves us but he knows what I have needed and will need. I am learning that I have been excepting of the allowing myself to be loved because I have been around so many who have hurt me and betrayed there marriage. I will hopefully be able to make it past the parts of my life that have not allowed me to be loved.
I was a little hesitant of sharing the things that have happened during this week. But, I truly feel so blessed that I was able to come by this method. I can't believe that the things my mind had come to believe that I listened to. For the first thing, I have learned that the sore on my arms were my minds way of protecting me from others so I looked unattractive to them. It's amazing since I have found this out how much the sores have cleared up from my arm. Letting it out and finding the feelings
how allowed them to heal themselves.
Another thing, is I usually battle a headache everyday, and I haven't had a headache since she made the pain go away. I have been drinking only water and I have lost 2 pounds already. I am learning to see the beauty and have more of a drive to get up and face the day. It's crazy to me that on Sunday I was feeling so uneasy that I couldn't even get out of bed. I had to drag myself and that was only because I had to teach. Other wise I am certain I would have stayed in bed. I have been able to sleep, wake up with my alarm and wake up on time. It's been so crazy.
I went back the second day and I opened up a little more about things, that were holding me back from progressing in my life. As we talked about my situation from my childhood. I have found that what happened really did happen and all the doubting feelings have gone away. I realized that I told
others it was my neighbor because they wanted answers and my mind knew it needed to be more believable. But, after I got rid of those thoughts, I was reminded of the things that I first told others that had happened to me. I didn't need that extra stuff. I have been able to move past it. I also learned that some of my past behaviors were an addiction, but an addiction because I needed to hide other feelings. My body feels so light, so light that one time I almost past about because my body had released things it needed too.
Today, I went back from my last bit of the testing, I believed I was past all the emotional things and the things that were holding me back. But, today I was writing some things down and the lady testing me saw that my hand writing changed in the middle of the sentence. I said what, no way. She said it did and it makes me nervous because of your BPD. So she had me lay back down and we were going to get rid of the unclean spirit influencing my life. It was so crazy, my whole body became antsy. I couldn't hold still and was shaking uncontrollably. We tried and it
wouldn't work. We both talked and decided to use the priesthood, so I called my brother and he ran over and gave me a priesthood blessing. He commanded the spirits to leave and reminded me of the love others feel for me, and that Heavenly Father loves me and he needs me. I couldn't believe that instant peace I felt and how my love grew even more for my brother. I was able to call down and be myself. I have never realized how unpredictable life can be. But, I have felt a new feeling, and a new hope of purpose of my life.
