I am doing this all for my own benefit. It has been the best way for me to deal with things is writing it all down.
First I just want to say depression is so real and I never realized how real it could be. I don't think others ever come to realize how real it is until they have to deal with it. And I would never wish, on all my will, that anyone would ever have to deal with it.
But the things I have learned from it are compassion, and understanding. But, though at the time of trials you never think you will be able to see the good in all that you have been through.
All through my life I never felt like anything could go wrong for me. I felt like my life was perfect.
My dad had been a bishop he had served faithfully in all of his callings. My Mom was just as wonderful held many callings and did them happily and faithfully. All my 5 of my brothers had served full time missions. The way I viewed life is that nothing could go wrong. When I hit my Junior year of high school my brother 4 years older than me had just returned from his mission and my brother 2 years older than me had just left. I was struggling just like any other Junior trying to fit. But, I never would have thought that my life could change so fast.
I woke up one Sunday afternoon on the couch in my living room to something so tragic. Something, I never could imagine happening to my family, (or anyone else for that matter.) My oldest brother who was married with 4 children was sitting on the chair by where I slept. I arose quick and asked him what he was doing and where the kids were. He said they could not come with him. He then proceeded to tell us that he had to leave them behind so he could talk to us. He informed us that he had been unfaithful to his wife and he needed us to follow him to take the kids so that he could have time to talk with his wife. I said nothing. I was frozen, I felt the pain my brother was setting off. I did not know how to talk to him and I knew that life was going to change from that moment on. We took the kids and it was a hard trying week.
My parents were amazing and trying to deal with it an anyway we could for never having to deal with something like this before. They told all of the children that we were not to talk about it, we did not want others to think my brother was a bad person. Of course I did not think my brother has a bad person I loved him so much and I wanted this all to go away and not have him go through any of this. So of course I did not say a word. First off my parents asked me not to, and I didn't because I loved my brother. And the other things is even if I wanted to nobody my age would ever understand what I was going through or the hurt I was feeling inside.
So I did just that I never said a word. But, I wanted to my inside were ready to explode. I began to even keep things from my parents because I felt like they did not need to deal with me hurting as much as I was when I saw and heard how much they hurt. I had never seen my Mom break down as much and she did. Never before had I seen my Dad hurt as bad as he was. About this time I became friends with a lady I babysat for and she changed my life forever. She knew I was hurting and would continuously ask me what is wrong. (just like many other people did) I told her just what I was told to do, I could not talk to her. Finally as much as I tried and knowing my parents had people to talk to, I finally talked to her. She would not let me leave her house she knew I was upset, I finally sat on the curb on a very cold February night and told her everything and cried a lot. She was my guardian angel, the one person I needed in my life.
As I look back on this trial in my life. Everyone around me grew closer to Heavenly Father and I did not.
I hurt too much to dwell on what has happening so I didn't. But I knew I should have.
Time went on as though all the hard ache I was feeling was just going to be a part of life. My brother divorced his wife and it crushed me. My perfect family felt broken. Everything I felt like had a meaning no longer had a meaning anymore. For the next 3 years it went on. I stuff I was feeling was just a way of life. It had to be, it was all I knew anymore. I moved to Provo to work, it was nice to get away and make a new start.
I first started out doing everything I was suppose to in life. I knew the Lord had lead me to where I was suppose to be. But, I began to feel very lonely so started to spend more time at work. The more I did that the more the things like reading scripture, praying and even going to church started to not be as important. It felt easier to not go. About this time my brother had found a wonderful girl friend who helped him turn his life around and he was rebaptized and I saw a whole new light in him. But, I still felt lost and did not see the light in my own life.
I soon became close with a friend from work and she was there for me, she tried to help me. She suggested I go to the doctor and get on medication for depression. So I did just that. But, I still felt a void I did not know how to fix. So when I was alone at night I would cut myself, I felt like it was one thing I had control over in my life. She soon learned I was doing that also and took me to a counselor to get help for it. I agreed to everything just so I could get out of there. But, I continued to cut, but just so others would not know. She invited me to come and stay with her. I knew it was her way of helping but it was also so she could
make sure I was safe. I soon moved apartments and I became friend with a wonderful girl across from me and she was another one of those angels I needed in my life. She saw me so many times when I felt invisible.
I was still cutting and church and anything to do with church was the furthest thing from my mind. I got even closer with the girl from work. But, things were not always good. She would say what ever she wanted to me and we fought all the time, but for some reason I felt like I still need her approval in my life. So I stuck it out. She was helping me in the way I viewed it. I never looked at it that she was making things harder for me. She was trying to help me in the way she thought was good.
After a while I got really depressed and my dear friend from across the hall saved my life that night. She talked me into going to the hospital where I was admitted to the hospital and had to work on things for days before they would let me go home. I was able to talk about things that happened to me as a child that I was never able to deal with. I was diagnosed with PTSD because I had been molested as a child. I was feeling so much better and had a better out look on life. I then had to return to work and it did not last for long. I got caught up in the same old stuff that I was before minus the cutting and I was on my medicine more consistently.
After a while I moved in with my friend and her family she had 4 boys and was married, they were both working full time so I was helping with the kids. Things started out great, but we would fight a lot. I started to feel really done, but also started to except that it was the way life was. I started to ignore how bad I felt about myself. I started to not realize how everything she said would bring me down, she felt like everything I said to her was a lie. She never believed me she never trusted me and she always felt like I had nothing good to say about her. In truth I would have done anything for her and her kids. I loved them so much and they meant the world to me. Things started to get worse we were fighting about work and anything I said or she said. I was starting to look for a way to get out.
I soon started to date a boy and I was so happy with him. He was not LDS but he made me feel like I had worth, (all though looking back now he did not make me feel any better that I felt in the situation I was in.) But, he was my escape. I soon started having things that would make me very uncomfortable happen. My friend husband would touch me or grab me in places that would make any person feel uncomfortable. So after it would happen I would turn to my boyfriend and things happened with him that I would have never allowed with any other boy. But, it felt so right because it wasn't someone that I didn't want it to happen with. But, every time something happened at the house I would turn to my boyfriend and I would pretend the other stuff did not happen. But, even those things did not seem to make me feel better.
February 14, 2013, was I day I will never forget.
Although I wish I could. The night before I had picked up balloons and Valentines gifts for my friend to give to her husband. We hid the balloons in my room so he would not find them. She came into my room about 5:30 to get the balloons, I heard her come in. I just rolled over and went back to sleep. Soon I woke up to someone rubbing my legs. I pulled away and he held on. I continued to rub my legs and said he knew they were hurting me. I was half awake and cringing more and more as he rubbed my legs. Soon he stood up, I felt a relief over come me. But he sat closer to me on the bed and started to rub my back. I tried to roll over but he told me to relax. I was so scared. He lifted up my shirt and told me to take it off. I said no and tried to pull my shirt down. Soon, I rolled over to get away from him. He got up to leave the room I felt relief over come me. But he shut the door and laid down next to me. At this point I did not know what to do. He then tried to stick his hands down my pants. I grabbed his hand threw it away from me. He got up and brushed my cheek with his hand and told me not to go back to sleep. But, I wanted to. It seemed like such a bad dream. I started to cry and laid in bed wondering what to do. I could leave now with no explanation, I could talk to his wife or act like nothing had happened. I chose to act like nothing had happened. It was easier that way, although I was hurting so bad. Seeing him all day at work, and his wife. I wanted to just say what happened but did not know how to. She always thought I lied to her and I knew she would never believe me. The day went on and it got harder and harder. I left work and took her kids with me, we went home and ate dinner and got ready for bed.
The next day they left for a weekend away. I had 3 of the boys to myself. I was thrilled, but deep down inside I knew it was my last time with the kids. The whole weekend I wondered what to do. I wanted to talk to the police, I wanted to tell my parents and have them with me, I wanted to take off before they did. But, I did not I stayed. But, I have no doubt in my mind that the Lord was carrying me through this whole weekend or I never I would have been able to stay strong enough to have made it on my own.
Sunday afternoon rolled around I decided to take a shower. As I was getting out my friend knocked on the door and asked me if I wanted anything at Wendy's, I told her I was okay. When I was dressed and came out of the bathroom she was gone. Her husband and the happy were there. I sat on the floor by the baby and played with him. Soon he husband moved over and sat on the coffee table and started to tell me that that I turned him on. I told him he was married and a couple of other things were said. I tried to ignore him and wanted out of this situation. Next thing I knew he was by me on the floor and started rubbing my face. I turned away and he then started to touch me. I panicked and moved. He got up and left the room. I felt the tears whaling in my eyes and my heart pounding. I wanted to disappear. So he came back in and I wanted to get up and leave. Then he got on top of me and started to move up and down. He felt my arm raising slowly, me not knowing what to do. He moved and walked away. I sat up and moved with the baby closer to my bedroom. I sat in the hall way and he approached me again. I held the baby tighter in hopes nothing would happen again. She sat by me and rubbed my cheek, I turned away from him. Then he said to me do not tell anyone what happened it's between me and you. I felt the tears rising again. He walked away and I put the baby down. So the door opened and my friend was back home. I did not know if I should tell her or keep it to myself. I went to my bedroom after I could not handle the feelings anymore I cried. I did not know what to do. Finally I change my clothes and headed quietly out the front door. I did not know where I was going, but I knew Heavenly Father was leading me from an unsafe place. I met up with my ward executive secretary and calling my parents. Through all of them I was able to get home in the safety of my parents. I cried a lot that night. My friend texted and asked me where I had gone. I told her I had family emergencies I needed to take care of. Then he texted me that night apologizing and saying that he had never done stuff like that before and would never do it again and not to tell his wife. I told him if he didn't I was going to. The next morning me and my parents got up and were going to get all my stuff out of the house and move out. I knew I had to get away, I had no choice. Just as I was 10 minutes away from the house my friend texted and said she knew what happened and it was best I move out. I told her I was already on my way to get my stuff. I had help and we were out with an a half hour and I had to face her one last time. I told her what happened and tried to make her understand that I never wanted any of this stuff to happened and I was sorry that it did. She blamed everything on me. It hurt so bad, I knew inside I had done what was right and she did not see that. With the help of plenty of Elders in my ward I was able to get out.
A year has passed since this time in my life. There has been plenty of times I have felt alone and that no one understood. But, I had the best comfort and friend on my side. My loving Savior who came to earth and suffered for my sins and at the most my TRIALS! For so long I felt like all the Atonement meant was I could be forgiven of my sins. I never pondered on the fact that he had taken away all the hurt I was feeling. He
was there with me, he carried me through all of this. I look back now and I am not even sure how I rationally thought through everything I did the last week while I was away from home.
I am not saying that because he helped me through this I did not have my hard times. But, my hard
times strengthened my testimony it made me grow closer to my Heavenly Father, it helped me to feel a love that I had not felt in a long time. A love that I hope to truly understand and still do not fully understand.
I have come to forgive them, I pray always that they are moving on with their lives and happy. I pray that they are as close to Heavenly Father as I feel that I am.
Through this hard time I have been able to turn my life over to Christ and know he love me and show me the way. I have been able to go through the temple and take my endowments out and it has been the best thing ever. I feel so much peace and happiness when I am in the temple. It's a place I can feel like myself and know I am loved. It has only been one of the many blessings that I have seen in my life.
I know still I struggle with way I see myself and how I feel others see me. It is a daily battle to see how I need to. But what gives me the most strength is knowing that someone loves me no matter what I look like and no matter how I am feeling. As far as everything goes it is a daily battle to become stronger and
more dependent on my Savior. It's hard to ignore the voices I have heard for so long telling me I was wrong and I did nothing right. I have had to learn to trust people in a whole knew way and not push them away. I have to learn that not everyone wants to hurt me and that people really do care.
I am so grateful everyday that I have a loving Heavenly Father who continually shows me that he loves me. He continually reminds me that I am worth it. He proves to me over and over again that I can get through this, and that I am strong enough to do it. But I also know that I can't do it alone, I needed him and I needed people that really loved me. I have also come to learn that my Heavenly Father loves ME! He loves me as an individual he doesn't bring up the past if you have admitted to making mistakes he forgives and lets you on. He loves me and has never stopped loving me.
I have grown close to my family. I have learned to trust them and lean on them. They are my best friends and the love I feel for them cannot be replaced and I will never ever forget it again. I have grown closer to my nephews and nieces and I would do anything for any of them.
In all I have learned that we learn from trials, I have come out on top. I am a better person. I have made my mistakes but through my Heavenly Father I have been forgiven and I am so grateful for the love of those around me and that I have learned from these trials.
