Discovering Myself

              The last couple of months have been a real growing experience for me.  I have seen changes in myself that I never knew I needed to make or never thought I would be able to make.  I have faced some real challenges in life, some that I was pretty positive I would never get over.   But, I am learning to forgive myself and to understand why I feel certain ways.  I have seen physical as well as emotional changes.  But, most importantly spiritual changes.  I never thought I would get back to this point in my life.

                 At the beginning of February I felt like I was being attacked from every angle.  Work was stressful; I felt like I have no life and I was starting to have very extreme nightmares. After Christmas I started to feel inadequate in every aspect of the gospel and in life in general. Pretty soon I couldn't fight the feelings anymore. I hit a road block in my life. I thought it was just the after holiday blues and that it would be gone after some time. Quickly I started to realize I couldn't fight it alone.

                 At the beginning of February I felt like I was being attacked from every angle.  Work was stressful; I felt like I have no life and I was starting to have very extreme nightmares. After Christmas I started to feel inadequate in every aspect of the gospel and in life in general. Pretty soon I couldn't fight the feelings anymore. I hit a road block in my life. I thought it was just the after holiday blues and that it would be gone after some time. Quickly I started to realize I couldn't fight it alone.

I asked for blessings and prayed for help. I knew it would help, I had always been taught that it would. A couple of months passed and I knew I needed more help than I was admitting to. I wasn't sure how to explain my feelings so I didn't. Many asked me if I was okay, of course I replied that I was just tired. Then something that haunted me happened, I walked into Smith's one day and this guy started walking towards me, and started to hug me.  I freaked out; I had to go out in sit in my car while I got my anxiety under control.  It was after that, I knew I was face planting in life.  One Sunday I went to church and I felt inspired to visit with Sister Behunin in my ward, I had been her visiting teacher and we hardly talked other than I Hi in the hallway.  She helped me get through the next week. Then that Friday I really hit rock bottom. I felt I had failed at life and there was nothing that was going to change it.  I didn't want to do anything; In fact I was going to end it before Tuesday came along.

 I didn't want to fight my feelings anymore.  I went to church that following Sunday and this same friend (Tiffany) could tell something was wrong and helped me through a rough day. I soon realized if I needed help I had to change. A friend at work told me to go to the doctor and talk to him about my meds, if you know me that was a tough one.  

But, my amazing friend Tiffany went with me, and we changed my meds and set up counseling.  It was in these moments that I knew I had found a true friend, the greatest friend I had always imagined I would have.  The next week she went with me to counseling and sat by me while I talked about things I have always wanted to pretend didn't happen or weren't real.  I was having terrible PTSD problems and was stressing to the max.  

             After a couple weeks the night mares gone and I was feeling like I could fight through the hard times again. I don't know what I would have done without my friend pushing me and holding my hand when I didn't feel like I could be loved.  She spent many hours talking with me and never judged me.  

              I hit another rough week in my life, and I thought for sure I was done for, I was asked to speak on Easter Sunday and I was so excited.  Then I woke up sick Saturday morning and when I got up to speak on Sunday I had no voice.  It eventually came back, but I sounded terrible and didn't feel the spirit with me.  I honestly thought I was being punished, and I was fed up with everyone around me.  But, of course it was just one of those things I had no control over.  It was how it 

was, embarrassing and all.  

I wanted answers soon, and I wanted to know why I could not forget things that happened to me and just let it be the past.  And I have learned you have no control over how your mind and spirit will handle things. 

 My mind chooses to let me forget and remember years later.  But, I will work on it, I will one day not freak when someone touches me or I see someone that reminds me of things that have happened.  I will never forget it, but I don't want it to be my life.

              I have thought about things with depression that hard to understand, and it scares others.  I have lost friends because they can't handle me, but also gained friends that my Father in Heaven knew I needed.  Depression is a illness, but it's not who I am.I am Kara Palmer, and I am a child of God and he loves me more than anyone could ever imagine.

·                     Some days are better than others and you have to except it and not try to solve it.

·                     You may not understand why you wake up feeling sad and empty.

·                     The medication alone does not fix things, but helps you to regulate.

·                     YOU cannot go through this life alone.  

·                     Don't let people define you by your depression.  

·                     Be there for others who are struggling, because someone else probably doesn't understand.

·                     Love yourself and forgive yourself for the past.

·                     Embrace who you are and the changes come easier.

·                     Don't hide inside yourself, it only hurts you not others.

·                     Forgive others and understand they might not know what you are going through.

·                     Explain to others why you feel what you do.

·                     Learn to listen and not have to solve the problems of others.

·                     Follow the spirit.

·                     Let your Father in Heave guide your life.

·                     Understand that you will still have good days and bad days.

·                     Take time for yourself, do things that make you happy.

·                     Love your family and forgive them.

·                     Learn to laugh and make others laugh with you.

·                     You may not see the drops and rises in your day and that's okay. 

·                     I push others away, but having others push back makes me realize how loved I really am, and that I need them in my life.

·                     Sometimes you want to be alone, but you just need a hug and you fight it in your mind all day long.

·                     When someone hugs you, you feel like butter melting in the arms, because it's a moment of understanding, and understanding you don't usually get.  (And most times I hate hugs)

·                     Find good friends that even when you are the friendliest never give up on you.

·                     Use prayer, scriptures and the temple.

            I have learned its okay to get help and that the Lord would not put those means for me if I didn't need it. As I am strengthening my love for the gospel and am starting to truly understand the Atonement. I have learned that I can't get through this life alone I need others to pull me through at times. I know the Lord has never expected me to go through this alone. He understands my heartache and loves me more than anyone could ever love me

. Depression and anxiety are a part of me, but they are helping me to become the person God always intended me to be. Any time I have been looking for help Christ opens doors I didn't know were there and didn't realize they were open. I am beyond grateful for the blessings and love I have received and know that God is on my side. I have learned so much and know I have a lot more to learn. Never do I want to forget my Saviors love for me and the love I have felt from a friend that I prayed years to find. 

I am grateful for my parents who have never let me fall to far without extending a hand of guidance. I have been blessed with a wonderful life, and family. I know I can make it through my hard times and become more.  All who read this, you have touched my life the most and I will always love you and think the world of you.  Thank you for not giving up on me and reminding me who I really am.  Thanks for the hugs that make me believe I am loved.

Here is my favorite Quote: "If storing memories is like putting away groceries, a traumatic event is stored by shoving a bunch of stuff in a cabinet then any time it gets opened all the stuff falls on your head."