My therapist and me have come to realize that writing things down is the best way for me to work through things.  Lately, I have felt this empty void inside of me.  I am not really sure what is even going on.  I feel so confused and lost in a world where I have always been a part of.  But, I have no motivation. I don't want to get out of bed.  I feel like I have no reason anymore.  Then, once I am awake the motivation is all gone.  I don't want to get ready anymore.  I don't even remember when the last time I dressed nice was.  I don't remember when the last time I did my hair or my make up.  I miss the old me.  I miss the girl I was before I moved to Provo.  

            I miss the girl I was the first part of living in Provo.  I didn't have the best confidence, but it was better than it is now.  

                 My smile, it was a struggle, but I came naturally.  Now it feels so forced, I forget sometimes what the real smile is like.  I forget what it feels like to feel good about life. I have forgotten what it feels like not to have tears racing down my face and making a smile try to come.  If I have learned anything in life it is that, words really do hurt.  

What we do and say really does have impact on others around us. 
                  Bringing other people down will never help us to feel better about ourselves.  

                 Being with someone who continuously brought me down, has made it so hard for me to feel better about myself again.  I thought she was a friend, I thought she cared.  But, she really wasn't really willing to be my friend.

             I feel bad for her, because I think she was hurting so bad in her own life that hurting me was easier for her.  But, I slowly felt myself slipping it didn't matter what I thought.  I did everything to impress her.  But that hurt is still in me.  I have tried to look beyond what I see in the mirror, but the vision is gone. 

                 I do feel that I am a child of God.  I wish I was confident enough to show that love on the outside again.  I wish I was confident enough to let people see the real me, and that I did not push people away or was so afraid to get close to them.  I know I am a good person.  I know I have made mistakes, and I know that scars carry further than what is on the surface.

                    I will never judge again, I will be so understanding.  But, I know I have to figure me out again.  I need to feel good enough to put make up on my face again.  I need to feel good enough to want to get out of bed in the morning.  I need to feel good enough to want to get dressed in the morning.  I want the old Kara back with new changes.  I have posted pictures of me when I have felt my best.

 

                If I could change one thing it would be that I had prepared myself differently for what life would bring to me.  I was taught to prepare for marriage my whole life.  Which I am sure it will be in my future eventually.

                  But, I wish I would have learned to prepare more for what life would bring to me.  I would have done things so differently.  But life is what it is now, and I wish we took the time to teach young women more forcefully there importance in life. I wish I would have learned how to care for myself more.  I wish I would have known where to stand in life with standards and all.  When life gets hard, we need to remember who we are all the time.  We need to remember what value we have even when life does not go as planned. 

               

            For all those who read this.  I only let a few because you are the ones I trust the most.  You are the ones I feel the best around, you are the ones I know bring out my true beauty.  I love all of you and I appreciate you taking the time to read this.